ADubhlaoich

A few years ago, I saw the show Good Sex by Dead Centre. It's a show about the role of an intimacy coordinator in performance: beyond its own merits, I found deeper meaning in a statement near the start.

I am likely paraphrasing this:

"To see people, you must first allow yourself to be seen"

I took it in terms of vulnerability. I don't think people think about vulnerability when we passively consume things as an audience. Our relationship to the subject has distance: if the subject is undesireable, we don't expose ourselves to it.

I am exploring this idea of vulnerability in my direct relationships, but it's something I've always kept awarness of during facilitation.

I use the term facilitation in a broad way. With trepedation, I've also come to accept facilitator as one of my titles. I think in my local dance community, people have thought of me as an organiser.

I don't like that. I abhor the hierarchy and unwanted distance between people it creates. It reminds me of a deep insecurity I held within myself through my early 20's: I couldn't be likeable, so I could at least be useful.

When people describe me in a specific role, I know that it does not determine how I act or who I am. A dictionary records language: it does not define it. It tells me what they think their relationship is to me.

I started teaching relatively soon in dancing: about three years into exploring Lindy Hop. There is no "correct" time to start. I already had previous experience teaching other disciplines, so the determining factor was my skill at dancing, not whether or not I had the experience and skills involved in teaching.

I still hesitated to teach for some time. I wanted to be honest about who I was. When I was involved with circus, I performed and taught occasionally. When presenting to a group, you need to be big - and if you're performing as a character, you need to be even bigger.

Drawing attention to myself doesn't come naturally. I'm introverted, but I pushed myself out of being shy. Nowadays, I consider attention a resource and a responsibility: If I don't need it as a resource, I don't want the responsibility.

When I transitioned out of circus, I was frustratingly aware of a character and a voice that was once a choice that had become habit. It wasn't a dishonest verson of me, but it was a caricature that could entertain others while protecting me from them.

Giving comedy a try was an opportunity to re-explore this. Aideen McQueen shared a definition that "Comedy is watching someone struggle".

If you want to connect with people, I've found it's easiest to be vulnerable first. You must strike a balance between stretching enough of yourself for someone else to reach you, while taking care not to overextend yourself to harm.

Contradictorily, I perceive very little risk when it comes to others. You can't call someone brave if a choice isn't involved: there's no fear to battle.

I'm trying to find exactly where I exist on the spectrum of fearing rejection. I don't know how to be seen, because I grew up an emotionally neglected only child. Like a great deal of other things, it means that my knowledge of some scenarios is practically academic.

I formed my own tools and beliefs in a vaccuum while deciding the kind of person I wanted to become. Buddhism asserts that the root of all suffering is desire or attachment. Stoicism asserts that suffering comes not from what happens to us, but how we choose to interpret them.

These ideas go hand in hand for me, and are touchstones of my emotional and psychological security.

But if I don't allow myself to want something or someone, I won't take the time to see them. In turn, I also cannot be seen. If I'm never seen, I'll never be known.

Can I really say I've been connected to anyone at all?